The House of Torchy Read online

  CHAPTER VII

  BACK WITH CLARA BELLE

  And me kiddin' myself I was fairly well parlor-broke. It seems not.You'd 'most think, though, I'd had enough front-room trainin' to standme through in a place like Harbor Hills. I had a wild idea, too, thatwhen we moved into the country we'd tagged the reg'lar social stuffgood-by.

  That was a poor hunch. I'm just discoverin' that there's more tea fightsand dinner dances and such goin's on out here in the commuter zone thanin any five blocks of Fifth Avenue you can name. And it seems thatanywhere within ten miles of this Piping Rock Club brings you into themost active sector. So here we are, right in the thick of things.

  At that, I expect it might have been quite some time before we wasbothered any if it hadn't been for our bein' sort of backed by theRobert Ellinses. As their friends we're counted in right off the reel.I've been joshed into lettin' my name go on the waitin' list at theCountry Club; I'm allowed to subscribe to this and that; some of theneighbors have begun payin' first calls on Vee.

  So I might have had sense enough to watch my step. Yet, here the otherafternoon, when I makes an early getaway from the Corrugated and hopsoff the 5:17, I dashes across the back lots and comes into our place bythe rear instead of the front drive. You see, I'd been watchin' a row ofstring-beans we had comin' along, and I wanted to spring the first oneson Vee. Sure enough, I finds three or four pods 'most big enough to eat;so I picks 'em and goes breezin' into the house, wavin' em gleeful.

  "Oh, Vee!" I sings out, openin' the terrace door. "Come have a look."

  And, as she don't appear on the jump, I keeps on into the livin'-roomand calls:

  "Hey! What do you know about these? Beans! Perfectly good----"

  Well, that's as far as I gets, for there's Vee, sittin' behind thesilver tea-urn, all dolled up; and Leon, in his black coat, holdin' aplate of dinky little cakes; and a couple of strange ladies starin' atme button-eyed. I'd crashed right into the midst of tea and callers.

  Do I pull some easy johndrew lines and exit graceful? Not me. My feetwas glued to the rug.

  "Beans!" says I, grinnin' simple and danglin' the specimens. "Perfectlygood string----"

  Then I catches the eye of the stiff-necked dame with the straight noseand the gun-metal hair. No, both eyes, it was; and a cold, suspicious,stabby look is what they shoots my way. No wonder I chokes off thefeeble-minded remarks and turns sort of panicky to Vee, half expectin'to find her blushin' painful or signalin' me to clear out. Nothing likethat from Vee, though.

  "Not ours, Torchy?" says she, slidin' out from behind the tea-table andrushin' over. "Not our very own?"

  "Uh-huh!" says I. "Just picked 'em."

  At which the other caller joins in unexpected.

  "From your own garden?" says she. "How interesting! Oh, do show them tome."

  "Why, sure," says I. "Guess we're doin' our bit, ain't we?"

  She's a wide, dumpy-built old girl, and dressed sort of freaky. Also herline of talk is a kind of purry, throaty gush that's almost too soothin'to be true. But anybody who makes only half a bluff at being interestedin our garden wins us. And not until she's inspected our firststring-beans through her gold lorgnette, and remarked twice more howwonderful it was for us to raise anything like that, does it occur toVee to introduce me proper to both ladies.

  The tall, stiff-necked dame turns out to be Mrs. Pemberton Foote.Honest! Could you blame her for bein' jarred when I come bouncin' inwith garden truck?

  Think of it! Why, she's one of the super-tax brigade and moves among thesmartest of the smart-setters. And Pemmy, he's on the polo team, youknow.

  Oh, reg'lar people, the Pembroke Footes are. And the very fact that Mrs.Foote is here callin' on Vee ought to have me thrilled to the bone.

  Yet all I got sense enough to do is wave half-grown string-beans at her,and then sit by gawpy, balancin' a cup of tea on my knee, and watch herapply the refrigeratin' process to the dumpy old girl whose name Ididn't quite catch. Say, but she does it thorough and artistic. Only twoor three times did the dumpy one try to kick in on the chat, and whenshe does, Mrs. Pemmy rolls them glittery eyes towards her slow, givin'her the up-and-down like she was some kind of fat worm that had strayedin from the cucumber bed.

  Can't these women throw the harpoon into each other ruthless, though?Why, you could see that old girl fairly squirm when she got one of themassault-and-battery glances. Her under lip would quiver a bit, she'dwink hard three or four times, and then she'd sort of collapse,smotherin' a sigh and not finishin' what she'd started out to say. Shedid want to be so folksy, too.

  Course, she's an odd-lookin' party, with that bucket-shaped liddecorated with pale green satin fruit, and the piles of thick blondinehair that was turnin' gray, and her foolish big eyes with the puffyrolls underneath and the crows'-feet in the corners. And of courseanybody with ankles suggestin' piano legs really shouldn't go in forhigh-tide skirts and white silk stockin's with black butterflies workedon 'em. Should they?

  Still, she'd raved over our string-beans, so when she makes a lastfluttery try at jimmyin' her way into the conversation, and Mrs. Footesquelches her prompt again, and she gives up for good, it's me jumpin'snappy to tow her out and tuck her in the limousine. Havin' made myescape, I stays outside until after Mrs. Pemmy has gone too, whichdon't happen for near half an hour later. But when I hears the frontdoor shut on her, I sidles in at the back.

  "Zowie!" says I. "You must have made more of a hit with our swellneighbor than I did, Vee."

  Vee smiles quizzin' and shrugs her shoulders.

  "I'm not so sure," says she. "I almost feel as though we had beenvisited by the Probation Officer, or someone like that."

  "How do you mean?" says I.

  "Of course," she goes on, "Mrs. Foote did not actually say that we wereon trial socially, but she hinted as much. And she made it quite plainthat unless we got started in the right set our case would be utterlyhopeless."

  "Just think of that!" says I. "Real sweet of her, eh? Sort of inspectorgeneral, is she? You should have asked her to show her badge, though."

  "Oh, there's no doubt that she speaks with authority," says Vee. "Shewasn't snippy about it, either. And chiefly she was trying to warn meagainst Mrs. Ben Tupper."

  "The old girl with the pelican chin and the rovin' eyes?" I asks."What's the matter with her besides her looks?"

  Well, accordin' to Mrs. Pemmy Foote, there was a lot. She had a past,for one thing. She was a pushing, presumptuous person, for another. And,besides, this Benjamin Tupper party--the male of the species--was whollyimpossible.

  "You know who he is," adds Vee. "The tablet man."

  "What?" says I. "'Tupper's Tablets for Indigestion--on Everybody'sTongue.' Him?"

  Vee nods. "And they live in that barny stucco house just as you turn offSagamore Boulevard--the one with the hideous red-tiled roof and theconcrete lions in front."

  "Goodness Agnes!" says I. "Folks have been indicted for less than that.I've seen Tupper, too; someone pointed him out goin' in on the expressonly the other mornin'. Looks like a returned Nihilist who'd beennominated in one of the back wards of Petrograd to run for the Duma on afree-vodka platform. He's got wiry whiskers that he must trim with apair of tin-shears, tufts in his ears, and the general build of aperformin' chimpanzee. Oh, he's a rare one, Tupper."

  "Then," says Vee, sort of draggy, "I--I suppose Mrs. Foote is right.It's too bad, for that Mrs. Tupper did seem such a friendly old soul.And I shall feel so snobbish if I don't return her call."

  "Huh!" says I. "I don't see why Mrs. Pemmy couldn't let you find outabout her for yourself. Even if the old girl don't belong, what's theuse bein' so rough with her?"

  "Do you know, Torchy," says Vee, "I felt that way about it when Mrs.Foote was snubbing her. And yet--well, I wish I knew just what to do."

  "Clean out of my line," says I.

  I expect it was the roses that set me mullin' the case over again. Theywas sent over for Vee a couple of days later--half a dozen greatbusters, like young cab
bages, with stems a yard long. They come with thecompliments of Mrs. Ben Tupper.

  "I simply couldn't send them back," says Vee; "and yet----"

  "I get you," says I. "But don't worry. Let the thing ride a while. I gotan idea."

  It wasn't anything staggerin'. It had just struck me that if Vee had tohand out any social smears she ought to do it on her own dope, and notaccordin' to Mrs. Pemmy Foote's say-so. Which is why I begins pumpin'information out of anybody that came handy. Goin' into town nextmornin', I tackled three or four on the 8:03 in an offhand way.

  Oh, yes, the Ben Tuppers! Business of hunchin' the shoulders. No, theydidn't belong to the Country Club, nor the Hunt Association, nor figureon the Library or Hospital boards, or anything else. In fact, they don'tmingle much. Hadn't made the grade. Barred? We-e-ell, in a way, perhaps.Why? Oh, there was Mrs. Ben. Wasn't she enough? An ex-actress with twoor three hubbys in the discard! Could she expect people to swallow that?

  Only one gent, though, had anything definite to offer. He's amiddle-aged sport that seems to make a specialty of wearin' checkedsuits and yellow gloves. He chuckles when I mentions Mrs. Tupper.

  "Grand old girl, Clara Belle," says he.

  "Eh?" says I. "Shoot the rest."

  "Couldn't think of it, son," says he. "You're too young. But in my dayClara Belle Kinney was some queen."

  And that's all I can get out of him except more chuckles. I files awaythe name, though; and that afternoon, while we was waitin' for a quorumof directors to straggle into the General Offices, I springs it on OldHickory.

  "Mr. Ellins," says I, "did you ever know of a Clara Belle Kinney?"

  "Wha-a-at?" he gasps, almost swallowin' his cigar. "Listen to that,Mason. Here's a young innocent asking if we ever knew Clara BelleKinney. Did we?"

  And old K. W. Mason, what does he do but throw back his shiny dome, openhis mouth, and roar out:

  "Yure right fut is crazy, Yure left fut is lazy, But if ye'll be aisy I'll teach ye to waltz!"

  After which them two old cut-ups wink at each other rakish and slaptheir knees. All of which ain't so illuminatin'. But they keep on,mentionin' Koster Bial's and the Cork Room, until I can patch togetherquite a sketch of Mrs. Tupper's early career.

  Seems she'd made her first hit in this old-time concert-hall when shewas a sweet young thing in her teens. One of her naughty stunts waskickin' her slipper into an upper box, and gettin' it tossed back with amash note in it, or maybe a twenty-dollar bill. Then she'd graduatedinto comic opera.

  "Was there ever a Katishaw like her?" demands Old Hickory of K. W., whoresponds by hummin' husky:

  "I dote upon a tiger From the Congo or the Niger, Especially when lashing of his tail."

  And, while they don't go into details, I gathered that they'd been ClaraBelle fans--had sent her orchids on openin' nights, and maybe had set upwine suppers for her and her friends. They knew about a couple of hermatrimonial splurges. One was with her manager, of course; the next wasa young broker whose fam'ly got him to break it off. After that they'dlost track of her.

  "It seems to me," says Old Hickory, "that I heard she had marriedsomeone in Buffalo, or Rochester, and had quit the stage. A patentmedicine chap, I think he was, who'd made a lot of money out ofsomething or other. I wonder what has become of her?"

  That was my cue, all right, but I passes it up. I wasn't talkin' justthen; I was listenin'.

  "Ah-h-h!" goes on Mr. Mason, foldin' his hands over his forward sponsonand rollin' his eyes sentimental. "Dear Clara Belle! I say, Ellins,wouldn't you like to hear her sing that MacFadden song once more?"

  "I'd give fifty dollars," says Old Hickory.

  "I'd make it a hundred if she'd follow it with 'O Promise Me,'" says K.W. "What was her record--six hundred nights on Broadway, wasn't it?"

  Say, they went on reminiscin' so long, it's a wonder the monthly meetin'ever got started at all. I might have forgot them hot-air bids oftheirs, too, if it hadn't been for something Vee announces that nightacross the dinner-table.

  Seems that Mrs. Robert Ellins had been rung into managin' one of thesewar benefit stunts, and she's decided to use their new east terrace foran outdoor stage and the big drawin'-room it opens off from as anauditorium. You know, Mrs. Robert used to give violin recitals and doconcert work herself, so she ain't satisfied with amateur talent.Besides, she knows so many professional people.

  "And who do you think she is to have on the program?" demands Vee."Farrar!"

  "Aw, come!" says I.

  "And perhaps Mischa Elman," adds Vee. "Isn't that thrilling?"

  I admits that it is.

  "But say," I goes on, "with them big names on the bill, what does sheexpect to tax people for the best seats?"

  Vee says how they'd figured they might ask ten dollars for a few choicechairs.

  "Huh!" says I. "That won't get you far. Why don't you soak 'em proper?"

  "But how?" asks Vee.

  "You put in a bald-headed row," says I, "and I'll find you a partywho'll fill it at a hundred a throw."

  Vee stares at me like she thought I'd been touched with the heat, andwants to know who.

  "Clara Belle Kinney," says I.

  "Why, I never heard of any such person," says she.

  "Oh, yes, you have," says I. "Alias Mrs. Ben Tupper."

  Course, I had some job convincin' her I wasn't joshin'; and even afterI'd sketched out the whole story, and showed her that Clara Belle's pastwasn't anything to really shudder over, Vee is still doubtful.

  "But can she sing now?" she asks.

  "What's the odds," says I, "if a lot of them old-timers are willin' topay to hear her try?"

  Vee shakes her head and suggests that we go up and talk it over with Mr.and Mrs. Robert. Which we does.

  "But if she has been off the stage for twenty years," suggests Mrs.Robert, "perhaps she wouldn't attempt it."

  "I'll bet she would for Vee," says I. "Any way, she wouldn't feel soreat being asked And if you could sting a bunch of twenty or thirty for ahundred apiece----"

  "Just fancy!" says Mrs. Robert, drawin' in a long breath and doin'rapid-fire mental arithmetic. "Verona, let's drive right over and seeher at once."

  They're some hustlers, that pair. All I have to do is map out thescheme, and they goes after it with a rush.

  And say, I want to tell you that was a perfectly good charity concert,judged by the box-office receipts or any way you want to size it up.Bein' the official press-agent, who's got a better right to admit it?

  True, Elman didn't show up, but his alibi was sound. And not until thelast minute was we sure whether the fair Geraldine would get there ornot. But my contribution to the headliners was there from the first tapof the bell.

  Vee says she actually wept on her shoulder when the proposition wassprung on her. Seems she'd been livin' in Harbor Hills for nearly threeyears without havin' been let in on a thing--with nobody callin' on her,or even noddin' as she drove by. Most of her neighbors was a lotyounger, folks who barely remembered that there had been such a party asClara Belle Kinney, and who couldn't have told whether she'd been asinger or a bareback rider. They only knew her as a dumpy freakishdressed old girl whose drugged hair was turnin' gray.

  "Of course," she says, sort of timid and trembly, "I have kept up mysinging as well as I could. Mr. Tupper likes to have me. But I know myvoice isn't what it was once. It's dear of you to ask me, though,and--and I'll do my best."

  I don't take any credit for fillin' that double row of wicker chairs weput down front and had the nerve to ask that hold-up price for. When theword was passed around that Clara Belle Kinney was to be among theperformers, they almost mobbed me for tickets. Why, I collected fromtwo-thirds of the Corrugated directors without turnin' a hand, and fortwo days there about all I did was answer 'phone calls from Broad Streetand the clubs--brokers, bank presidents, and so on, who wanted to know
if there was any left.

  A fine bunch of silver-tops they was, too, when we got 'em all lined up.You wouldn't have suspected it of some of them dignified old scouts,either. Back of 'em, fillin' every corner of the long room and spillin'out into the big hall, was the top crust of our local smart set, come tohear Farrar at close range.

  Yep, Geraldine made quite a hit. Nothing strange about that. And thatpiece from "Madame Butterfly" she gave just brought 'em right up ontheir toes. But say, you should hear what breaks loose when it'sannounced that the third number will be an old favorite revival by ClaraBelle Kinney. That's all the name we gave. What if most of the audiencewas simply starin' puzzled and stretchin' their necks to see who wascomin'? Them old boys down front seemed to know what they was howlin'about.

  Yes, Clara Belle does show up a bit husky in evenin' dress. Talk aboutelbow dimples! And I was wishin' she'd forgot to do her hair thatantique way, all piled up on her head, with a few coy ringlets over oneear. But she'd landscaped her facial scenery artistic, and she sure doesknow how to roll them big eyes of hers.

  I didn't much enjoy listenin' through them first few bars, though. Therewasn't merely a crack here and there. Her voice went to a complete smashat times, besides bein' weak and wabbly. It's like listenin' to theghost of a voice. I heard a few titters from the back rows.

  But them old boys don't seem to mind. It was a voice comin' to them from'way back in the '90's. And when she struggles through the first verseof "O Promise Me," and pauses to get her second wind, maybe they don'tgive her a hand. That seemed to pep her up a lot. She gets a better gripon the high notes, the tremolo effect wears off, and she goes to it likea winner. Begins to get the crowd with her, too. Why, say, even Farrarstands up and leads in the call for an encore. She ain't alone.

  "MacFadden! MacFadden!" K. W. Mason is shoutin'.

  So in a minute more Clara Belle, her eyes shinin', has swung into thatraggy old tune, and when she gets to the chorus she beckons to the frontrows and says: "Now, all together, boys!

  "Wan--two--three! Balance like me----"

  Did they come in on it? Say, they roared it out like so many youngcollege hicks riotin' around the campus after a session at arathskeller. You should have seen Old Hickory standin' out front withhis arms wavin' and his face red.

  Then they demands some of the Katishaw stuff, and "Comrades," and"Little Annie Rooney." And with every encore Clara Belle seems to shakeoff five or ten years, until you could almost see what a footlightcharmer she must have been.

  In the midst of it all Vee gives me the nudge.

  "Do look at Mr. Tupper, will you!"

  Yes, he's sittin' over in a corner, with his white shirt-front bulgin',his neck stretched forward eager, and his big hairy paws grippin' thechair-back in front. And hanged if a drop of brine ain't tricklin' downone side of his nose.

  "Gosh!" says I. "His emotions are leakin' into his whiskers. Maybe theold boy is human, after all."

  A minute later, as I slides easy out of my end seat, Vee asks:

  "Where are you going, Torchy?"

  "I want a glimpse of Mrs. Pemmy Foote's face, that's all," says I.